General

We Are All CNN: The Free Beacon Will Never Abandon Our Fellow Journalists In Their Time of Need

QWER

Sep 22, 2026 - 16:50

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First they came for Matt Lauer.

And we did not speak out because we'd rather not defend a liberal hack and notorious sex pest.

Then they came for Jim Acosta's press badge.

And we did not speak out because we'd rather not defend a sanctimonious windbag.

Then they came for Jeffrey Toobin, aka "the Hardest-Working Hand in Cable News."

And we did not speak out because we'd rather not defend a prolific masturbator.

Then they came for Chris Matthews, Andrew Cuomo's kid brother, Brian "Humpty" Stelter, John Harwood (who?), Don Lemon, Chuck Todd, Joy Reid, and Jim Acosta (again).

And we did not speak out because literally no one cared.

Then, this week, they came for our friends at CNN, Politico, and MS NOW. President Donald Trump, a former Democrat, banned them from the White House grounds because they refused to stop publishing "FICTION and LIES." Other outlets could soon be banned as well, he warned.

We were tempted to say nothing. But then we remembered that these institutions have always had our back. And if the Free Beacon remained silent once again, there might not be anyone left to speak out when the bastards come for us—as they always do, eventually.

For whatever reason, they're not returning our calls right now. But if they were, we'd tell them how proud we are to stand in solidarity with our mainstream media brethren. That, in humble service to their noble cause, we hereby pledge our lives (metaphorically, of course), our considerable fortunes (of wisdom), and our sacred White House Correspondents' Association credentials—which we've never been able to obtain, but, you know, in theory.

If we had credentials, rest assured the Free Beacon would happily join the other networks in their sympathy boycott. What's the point in shouting questions at the president if your friends aren't there to support you? We definitely would have joined that other boycott when Joe Biden was president and the White House press corps—intent on learning the truth about his health—refused to be bullied into submission by handlers who never let them ask questions without prior authorization. Am I remembering that correctly?

We will never abandon our fellow journalists. In 2022, we applauded the ones who published glowing profiles of White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, the historic black female lesbian, only to complain—years later, and without attribution—that her alarming ineptitude was a damning indictment of DEI.

President Trump's aggression against the truth—against democracy itself—will not stand. Yeah, we went there. Fundamental rights are at stake. As far as we're concerned, the government should not decide how CNN and MS NOW get to spend these precious few years before their viewing audiences die off. They deserve those ad dollars, and so do their future creditors.

The decision to ban Politico, the news blog located many, many, floors beneath the Free Beacon, is even less defensible. To paraphrase what one of their esteemed bloggers told our intrepid reporters during the 2024 campaign: Condolences for working at Politico.

Seriously, though, we're sorry this happened to you. What is Trump even mad about? That they hired a journalist who "cried" on election night to report on his White House? If that's disqualifying, every journalist in DC would be out of a job.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is how democracy ends. Telling journalists they aren't allowed to have feelings? What's next? No more secret rape buttons on our desks? No more self-care sessions on Zoom calls with colleagues?

Oh, wait. They've already banned those things because no one—the Free Beacon included—had the courage to take a stand against tyranny.

That ends today.

[Note: ask one of the young people if they can do one of those fist emojis, thx]