The Definitive Midterm Voter Guide: Where the Parties Stand on 13 Key Issues

Election Day is next Tuesday. Most normal Americans have better things to do than follow politics obsessively, so we've prepared a helpful guide explaining where the major parties stand on the issues that matter most.

Enjoy!

1) Gas Prices

Republicans: All things considered, they're not that high. It would be nice if they were lower, but have you considered not complaining so much? We'll give you $5,000 if we win. In the meantime, Vladimir Putin has offered to help.

Democrats: They're way too high. We'll lower them if you vote for us. How? That's an interesting question. As soon as the election is over, we can discuss why you shouldn't be buying gas in the first place. It's way more expensive in Europe, which is actually a good thing because their dainty coupés are better for the environment. Remember a few years ago when we said gas-powered cars were the "modern-day cigarette"? Woke 1 was crazy, but we weren't wrong. Electric cars are the future. You should consider buying one, but only after we've thrown the Tesla CEO in jail.

2) Artificial Intelligence

Republicans: You mean Super Intelligence, the very good and accurate name that virtually everyone is already using. We're not opposed to making money, and we can't let China win the arms race. That said, would it really be so bad if Xi Jinping wants to be our friend? He looks amazing in a power suit. Have you seen the Facebook post about the dog with no legs who saved the injured veteran from the burning warehouse full of American flags? If you vote for us, we'll show you how to send it to your grandchildren.

Democrats: People are making money off this new technology. That can't be good! We don't really have a position beyond pandering to data center panic, but we know an 85-year-old socialist with some exciting ideas about putting the bureaucrats who brought you HealthCare.gov in charge of everything. What's the worst that could happen?

3) The Cheesecake Factory

Republicans: You're going to have to pry the Avocado Eggrolls (with Tamarind-Cashew Dipping Sauce) from our cold, dead, exquisitely sausage-fingered hands.

Democrats: My private chef used to work there—before his formal training in Europe. This is why they hate us over there.

4) Saddam Hussein

Republicans: Bad hombre, decent mustache.

Democrats: Say what you will about the guy, he was right about Israel.

5) The Oval Office

Republicans: Gold AF.

Democrats: Prime real estate for grooming interns. Do not desecrate.

6) Barack Obama

Republicans: Still annoying. His library looks like an alien septic tank that fell from space. It's so ugly Osama bin Laden would have plotted to keep it standing.

Democrats: Would let him groom me. It's a shame his stance on Israel isn't more in line with Saddam's.

7) Jon Husted's Ass

Republicans: Nice, like a pile of muscle. We've never done this before, but we examined the evidence. Firm, supple cheeks, like boulders glistening in the autumn breeze. It's not really our thing, but there's nothing wrong with it, either. Nothing at all. Phenomenal ass.

Democrats: Can we see him in drag?

8) Hot Female Ass

Republicans: Also nice, like a whore at the gym.

Democrats: How dare you. On second thought, don't quote us on that. There are a lot of people in Dearborn who think Shane Gillis was right.

9) Nerds Speaking Norwegian

Republicans: What? Why? Frankly, Norway sucks and Donald Trump deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. We will never forget.

Democrats: This is what peak masculinity looks like. Norway proves that socialism works. Yes, we still think fossil fuels are bad. Why do you ask?

10) Marrying Your Brother

Republicans: Gross.

Democrats: Who are we to judge other cultures?

11. Terrorism 

Republicans: Bad.

Democrats: It's actually rather complicated. You see, hurt people—how much time do you have?

12. Loving America

Republicans: Always.

Democrats: Depends on the results of the election. If we win, we'll welcome the opportunity to confront the painful legacy of our nation's sins and continue the necessary work of decolonizing heteropatriarchal institutions to make space for healing amid our occupation of this stolen land.

13. Journalists

Republicans: Ugh, the worst.

Democrats: Ugh, the worst.

The post The Definitive Midterm Voter Guide: Where the Parties Stand on 13 Key Issues appeared first on .