Sorry, Haters: James Talarico Not Gay, Analysis Finds

Republicans are seizing and pouncing on James Talarico, the Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate in Texas, because—let's be honest—they're threatened by his modern brand of masculinity.

He's not a typical "bro." He doesn't flaunt his "jacked" physique. He respects women "our neighbors with uteruses." He monitors his meat consumption to combat climate change. Reading the Bible has helped him reckon with his own whiteness. He loves trans kids.

Some right-wing agitators have suggested Talarico might be gay. None have offered any proof. Accordingly, the Washington Free Beacon fired up our proprietary AI-powered Gayness Analytics Index (GAI) to see if we could scientifically confirm or refute the allegations.

We utilized the industry-standard 13-prong evaluation framework to assess Talarico's gayness relative to other male-identifying Democrats based on: Jeans Wearing, Sitting Posture, Athletic Ability, Beard Charisma, Boob Gaze, Meat Consumption, Girlfriends, Animal Cuddles, Tailgate Compatibility, Gesticulation, Public Transit, Outdoorsmanship, and Campaign Swag.

You might be surprised by what our analysis revealed. Across every single category, Talarico registered a lower GAI score compared to his fellow Democrats. We therefore assess—with a confidence level of 95.3 percent—that Talarico is not gay.

Sorry, haters. The science has spoken.

JEANS WEARING

SITTING POSTURE

ATHLETIC ABILITY

BEARD CHARISMA

BOOB GAZE

MEAT CONSUMPTION

GIRLFRIENDS

ANIMAL CUDDLES

TAILGATE COMPATIBILITY

GESTICULATION

PUBLIC TRANSIT

OUTDOORSMANSHIP

CAMPAIGN SWAG

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